Controlling Control

Give them control. 

I’ve understood for a while now that when I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, God put inside me the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. I have walked in that and believed that. It has comforted me and strengthened me in some very weak-feeling times.

But over the last few weeks He has revealed to me that along with that Holy Spirit, which is grand and supernatural, I also still have a couple of not-so-holy spirits inside me.

One is a spirit of control. It seems that no matter what I do to try to change, I want things to go my way.

It’s not that I always want circumstances to benefit me – but when there is an action, I expect a certain reaction and if a different reaction happens, I am unsettled. The world is not as I thought it was and I have to change my view of it.

And my spirit of control is fed by my sense of routine – I feel out of control when I am out of my routine.

For example, I started writing this at 2:15 a.m. the day after Christmas while in the trundle bed in the basement of my daughter-in-law’s house. We were “sleeping over” to be together as a family for Christmas.

There were nine people sharing four bedrooms and three and a half bathrooms. Half an hour from where we slept, our four bedroom, three and a half bathroom house sat empty. I didn’t know the wi-fi password. There were toys and Christmas wrappings everywhere. Our dogs didn’t have their doggie door.

I was only thinking of my inconveniences though our hosts were inconvenienced, too, by our being there: our dogs eat their cat’s food, we use up their hot water, my being awake to write this made enough noise to wake them.

I have tried on my own to push self out of me, so I asked God to do it. I gave back to Him the free will that He gave me – I gave Him the control that He gave me – I only want to do what He wants me to do.

Then I thought about what I was asking.

It is so hard to push all self out. When I do, I wonder what will be left? If I’m not me anymore, who am I? What will happen if I don’t have a “witty” (but often acidic) comeback to a statement? What if I am silly instead of studious? What if I make a mistake or two? Who will I be?

I realized I have been becoming not me for over ten years. Or, to be more accurate, I have been becoming the me God wants me to be.

But pushing all self out of me will take more than me. It will be a true act of God – a bona fide miracle. Bring it on, God!

You can’t remove all the need in the world today but there are lots of ways you can help. Ask God where He wants to work a miracle in you.